Cole HomepageEdgewood High School Band 1979-1982
Jokes
Being a musician means having a good sense of humor. Enjoy!
What do you call a musician who just broke up with his girlfriend?
Homeless.
What's the first thing a musician says at work?
"Would you like fries with that?"
What do you call a musician without a significant other?
Homeless.
Why do musicians have to be awake by six o'clock?
Because most shops close by six thirty.
What would a musician do if he won a million dollars?
Continue to play gigs until the money ran out.
What's the difference between a musician and a fourteen-inch pizza?
A fourteen-inch pizza can feed a family of four.
The stages of a musician's life:
Who is name?
Get me name.
Get me someone who sounds like name.
Get me a young name.
Who is name?
There were two people walking down the street.
One was a musician.
The other didn't have any money either.
Saint Peter is checking ID's at the Pearly Gates, and first comes a Texan.
"Tell me, what have you done in life?" says St. Peter.
The Texan says, "Well, I struck oil, so I became rich, but I didn't sit on my laurels
--I divided all my money among my entire family in my will,
so our descendants are all set for about three generations."
St. Peter says, "That's quite something. Come on in. Next!"
The second guy in line has been listening, so he says,
"I struck it big in the stock market, but I didn't selfishly just provide for my own like that Texan guy.
I donated five million to Save the Children."
"Wonderful!" says Saint Peter. "Come in. Who's next?"
The third guy has been listening, and says timidly with a downcast look,
"Well, I only made five thousand dollars in my entire lifetime."
"Goodness!" says St. Peter. "What instrument did you play?"
St. Peter's still checking ID's. He asks a man, "What did you do on Earth?"
The man says, "I was a doctor."
St. Peter says, "Ok, go right through those pearly gates. Next! What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a school teacher."
"Go right through those pearly gates. Next! And what did you do on Earth?"
"I was a musician."
"Go around the side, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen ..."
A guy walks into the doctor's office and says,
"Doc, I haven't had a bowel movement in a week!"
The doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells him,
"If it doesn't work, let me know."
A week later the guy is back: "Doc, still no movement!"
The doctor says, "Hmm, guess you need something stronger,"
and prescribes a powerful laxative.
Still another week later the poor guy is back: "Doc, STILL nothing!"
The doctor, worried, says, "We'd better get some more information
about you to try to figure out what's going on. What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a musician."
The doctor looks up and says, "Well, that's it! Here's $10.00. Go get something to eat!"
Three guys are in a bar and begin discussing anual incomes.
The first guy brags and says that he made $136,000 last year with salary and bonuses.
The second guy inquires, "What do you sell?" The second guy then tops the first by bragging that
his total anual income was $410,000 due to stock options and investments.
The first guy is impressed and asks, "Who is your broker?"
The first and second guy look at the third and ask, "How much money did you make last year?".
The third guy replies rather embarassed, "$52,000" The second guy replies,
"We had no idea you were a musician. What instrument do you play?"
Why did Mozart kill his chickens?
Because they always ran around going "Bach! Bach! Bach!"
These jokes are so bad I can't Handel them.
They make me Lizstless.
They can be too Mendlesohm.
You'd better go out Bach and stay in Haydn.
"I'm told that Wagner's music is not as bad as it sounds." - Mark Twain
A little boy was complaining to his friend, "My mom won't let me watch public television anymore!"
"Why not?" his friend asked incredulously.
"Because it has too much sax and violins!!"
Q: What does new age music sound like played backwards?
A: New age music.
Q: What happens when you play "the blues" backwards?
A: Your wife comes back to you, your dog returns to life and you get out of prison.
Q: What happens when you play country western music backwards?
A: You get your pickup truck back, your dog returns to life, and you get back your job at the car wash.
Q: What happens when you play Beethoven backwards?
A: He decomposes.
What do you call a guy who hangs around with 4 musicians?
A drummer
How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
11: one to change to lightbulb, and 10 to stand around and tell you how Steve Gadd would have done it.
OR None: they have machines for that now.
When you see a Dixieland band, how can you tell which side the stage is tilting?
Look which side of his mouth the banjo player is drooling out of.
How do you make a million bucks playing Jazz?
Well, you start with two million....
A Jazz musician and a Rock musician were chatting,
and the former asks "so how come you guys can afford all that PA gear you carry around with you?".
"Well it's simple", said the Rock musician, "just think of all the money we saved on music lessons".
Never trust someone who says they like avant-garde Jazz.
They'll probably lie about other things too.
The clarinet: an ill woodwind that nobody blows good.
Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?
It burns longer.
There are only two types of music: good music, and Country'n'Western.
A singer is looking for work, and hears at a gig available at a local club.
She goes down and auditions with the house band. Everything is fine, and she gets the gig,
subject to one condition. The leader of the band, the pianist,
warns her that the owner of the club is very partial to the tune Blue Skies,
and whenever he comes down to the club they have to play that tune.
Do you know it? he asks. Well sort of, she says, but I can't quite remember the middle 8.
No problem, says the pianist, I'll help you out when we get there.
So anyway, her first night is going fine, and then the owner walks in.
The pianist quickly nods to his fellow musicians, and the singer says but what about the middle 8??
Don't worry, says the pianist, I'll help you out when we get there.
So they start playing Blue Skies, and the A section is fine, but then they get to the middle 8.
The singer leans over to the pianist and looks expectant.
The pianist leans back and whispers "D minor".